How I Failed as a Father... Maybe

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"... there are 2 sides to every coin, so lets flip that coin over"
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I expect that for every parent suffering from empty nest syndrome has similar thoughts. And I am equally confident that each parent asks themselves similar questions, with a wide variety of internal responses to these questions.

My thoughts always end up hovering about the fact that I am guilty of being a helicopter parent (yes, pun intended). I was totally immersed in my sons educational, social and athletic growth. The school years were spent at the table "helping" with his homework (and now I feel safe to confess, that a good number of times, I was the person receiving his grades, not him. Athletics were a combined effort, I continually packed his equipment for his various sports, I paced the sidelines, and ski hills - just searching for time to sneak him some advice. I was probably the only father that stood at the side of the skateboard park, complimenting him on his manoeuvres, and making sure a helmet was permanently affixed to his head. I think this paints a bit of a picture.

What makes these confessions of being a helicopter parent even more engrained in my retrospection is the increased awareness of the poisons and damage a parent does by over parenting a child. Talk shows, call in shows, social media - all in unanimous believe that we (I) irreparably damaged my child.

It is key, to clear the difference of a helicopter parent, and a parent that suffocates a child. I believe that a parent that refused to let a child leave the yard until they are 16 or makes scenes and sporting events, or completely stifles a child's personality is beyond what so many of us helicopter parents believe, and to be frank, this type of unquestionably unhealthy parenting method is a psychiatric problem and needs professional help. There is a clear line that differentiates a helicopter parent, and a suffocating parent - so I want to be clear that I speak only of the former - the latter is better addressed by professionals.

So based on the accepted belief that we now as a culture are harming our children's maturing by being a helicopter parent. We MUST let our children fail, in order to learn and grow. When our children show up at volleyball without their footwear, then we must let them sit out the game, be punished by the coach - because accepted knowledge is that our children will learn from these mistakes, and learn to be more responsible.

Never in a million years would I allow this scenario to happen, I would jump in the car and race back home to get his volleyball shoes or even run to a sports store to purchase new ones, to ensure that he was able to play in the game.

Again, current belief is when your child forgets his lunch, let him go without that day, as they will remember that, learn from that mistake and never forget it again. Well, I have left work, driven home many times to make sure the forgotten lunch was delivered before lunch time.

The examples of what NOT to do are endless, but basically all the same, let them make mistakes, let them fall down a few times - they will suffer the consequences and learn and become productive, learned adults.

So - with this line of beliefs, I am a complete failure -  I intercepted many, many opportunities for my son to fail, countless actually. So he MUST be scarred and have a adulthood of challenges dealing with the real world ahead of him. Well DAMN IT.

WAIT, maybe it is worth thinking along the lines of "for every action, there is an equal and opposite action".. or simpler yet - there are 2 sides to every coin, so lets flip that coin over.

So as a helicopter parent, one makes every effort for your child to avoid failure.. but what in fact is that also doing? That is at the same time, letting your child experience success. So what is a better influence on a child's raising, doing a school project alone, unassisted and getting a 60%, or having significant input by a parent, and getting a 90% - This is certainly an arguable outcome. But, does the sense of self worth, pride, and accomplishment of a top of the class grade, not stay with the child, and in a generation of low self esteemed children, successes breed success. (this too is an accepted axiom).

So delivering my sons volleyball shoes (or the like) to allow him to participate, feel success, not overrule the accepted failure lessons by sitting on the bench?

A weakness in the "learning by failure" also has a bit of a chink in the logic.. Anyone who have parented, knows for a fact that teenagers or younger, in their self centered world, in fact more frequently than not, do NOT learn from failure - as frustrating as it is as a responsible adult to watch. A forgotten lunch (and resulting hunger pain filled afternoon of school) is far from a guarantee that they will not forget it again. But, with my realizations that being a helicopter parent may offer more pro's than cons - a delivered lunch to school DOES guarantee one thing, you have a well nourished child that is will equipped to be in a learning state of mind, not one with low blood sugar and resulting near zero attention span.

Yes, I am beating this scenario to death - but this logic of embracing success versus learning from failure can be applied in near every case of "helicoptering".

So I feel refreshed in knowing that having my son raised in an environment of self confidence, long lists of successes... and yes, due to my intervention, a short list of failures.. I may not have failed as a father.

Would I do a lot of things differently??? - of course. Is this realization perfect, of course not. But if you are like me, a helicopter parent feeling beat up from all the naysayers.. feel good about creating this positive environment for your child.. They have a long adult hood to experience failures, and learn lessons, but as an adult they are much better equipped emotionally to manage these.. and will have a solid foundation of self confidence from their childhood to rely on.

Time to eat my lunch now - ah DAMN IT - I forgot it.

Executives Dirty Little Secret

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"...Skip the idea that all around you are in their underwear..."
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I suppose in a way the title I chose for this article is a bit of a misnomer, as the "Dirty Little Secret" applies to all of us, from those just entering the workforce to senior executives (Even Carol Neal - Chief Auditor of the Bank of Montreal confessed to this secret).

But, taking time to admit this dirty little secret is a key step to having confidence in your present role, and assist in moving up the ranks, if this is a part of your career ambition.

We have all attended meetings, either a formal boardroom setting, or a more casual exchange of information with senior staff.. and we have all had that feeling in the pit of our stomach that we are not completely prepared for the discussion, or that we do not know near as much as what is expected of us to know. There is the anxiety of being "discovered" as being less than suited for our present function. We worry that a topic will come up that we need to discuss that we are less than an expert on.

We sit in these meetings, with that grade six feeling of the teacher asking us a question that we do not know the answer to and being embarrassed and chastised by the teacher. We look around the other attendees of the meeting and clearly they are all qualified for their roles, they are a wealth of information and have a complete understanding of the meeting topics.

I have spoken to many peers about this dirty secret, and almost like removing albatrosses from around their necks, each and every one, experiences these same insecurities. In meetings, alone in their office or workplace, at home pondering work or standing in front of a mirror. Men, women, young, old, senior managers to retail cashiers - we all suffer insecurities about the ability to do our jobs to the expectation of the rest of the organization.

This realization is a powerful step in fact of becoming much better at your role, and building confidence in your abilities. Simply put, we all must embrace the fact that if you were truly incompetent, and unprepared to do our jobs we would not be in that job. And a close second for significant realization, is that as you look around that meeting or that boardroom - each and every participant is hiding this dirty secret.

So how does one overcome this insecurity and self doubt - you cant, and you wont.. so don't try. The confidence comes with the acceptance that you are in your role for a reason, it is what you DO know; what you don't know is irrelevant. Of course, excelling at work is being motivated to be constantly learning, to fill those gaps in your ability, but it is human nature to continue to focus on new gaps in our knowledge, and drain our confidence based on those.

We see in our business interactions, leaders, peers that exude confidence and make the most difficult decisions without pause. These people are comfortable in their shortcoming, are motivated to learn what is required to make these decisions, and very often are very forthcoming in vocalizing areas that they are weak in. It is only us, internally, that confessing shortcomings appears as a weakness, When we hear it from others, we don't (or should not) judge them on this.. we just see it as an area that they will "go and find out and return with answers.

In grade school, I expect we all were told when forced with the daunting task of public speaking, to imagine the audience all sitting wearing only their underwear. A truer lesson could not be expressed. Skip the idea that all around you are in their underwear, focus on at that moment they all are listening to your words worried that they themselves do not have the knowledge you have, and lack confidence in their ability to participate. You ARE an expert in the area you speak, or you would not be speaking.

To excel? Embrace your insecurities as human, be confident in what you do know, strive to learn what you don't and never expect you will be an expert of all aspects of your role.. otherwise you will blend into the crowd, and never be looked at for advancement. It is a strong message to speak out loud to your peers or superiors "I don't know, but I will find out:"

That was stupid!... Let's do it again!!

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"...I am going tell you all of the mistakes that I have made..."

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Hindsight is 20/20 there is no disputing that, looking back in time presents us facts that are 100% accurate, and unchangeable.

As we enter a new year, boardrooms are full of executives working strategies and planning for new successes, and maybe even more timely, individuals begin planning New Year’s resolutions to make themselves better people and make their lives more successful.

Companies and people spend their time planning how to re-invent themselves, starting with a clean slate. Only to realize a year ago, they sat in identical meetings or self-reflection and find that their plans did not meet or even come close to expectations.

I suggest that a clean slate is a canvas destined for failure. Thousands of years of successes and failures have no place on a clean slate, and ignoring the opportunity to reference all of mans history is a self important ego trip bound for disappointment.

Let’s instead, start with a slate that is full of retrospection on successes, what DID go right, what DID work, and take the humbling approach on building planning on those items. Understanding of course that in every life or business, there are limitless areas to improve. But taking the time to analyse and dissect the successes is the buildings are fully proven building blocks to start constructing the new year. Repeating factors that result in successes obviously are a much better foundation than starting afresh with unproven, overambitious tactics.

Less critical than successes and certainly not as motivating to review are failures experienced. Once again dissecting failed projects down to the root cause can help in repeating poor outcomes.

I had a high school shop teacher who introduced himself on the first day and announced that for this semester he said, “I am going tell you all of the mistakes that I have made”. He continued on, that by us being taught all of the common mistakes made, we will not repeat them and will by default learn the correct methods. This profound teaching philosophy has been a value to me a good number of times.

Maybe trusting our perfect 20/20 hindsight is a much more trustworthy source in our efforts to improve ourselves and is significantly better than relying on good intentions, and  a completely random series of events that will affect our future. Until I can find a crystal ball that had impeccable accuracy, I continue to start every work planning meeting or personal improvement exercise... is with the simple question, “what went right last year and why”.